When someone tells you they have or are experiencing violence or abuse, it’s natural to feel concerned and want to rush to offering solutions or thinking about the safeguarding processes and procedures you need to follow.
It can be helpful to think about what you might say as an immediate response e.g. “I’m sorry to hear that has happened to you. That sounds like it is/was difficult for you. Thank you for telling me, it took a lot of courage for you to tell me.”
This gives you some time to catch your breath and compose yourself and think about what you might want to say next.
AFFIRM
• This is not your fault.
• That the person causing harm is responsible for the harm caused to them and their children.
VALIDATE
• I believe you.
• You have the right to … feel safe in your home … live free from fear and abuse…
REASSURE
• You are not alone.
• There is support available to you.
• You have choices and options.
SAFETY
• Do not offer to ‘mediate’ between the victim/survivor and the person causing harm.
IDENTIFY & HIGHLIGHT STRENGTHS, PROTECTIVE EFFORTS AND AVOID JUDGEMENT OR BLAME
• What have you done to survive? not Why didn’t you leave?
• Survivors have a range of tools and strategies that they are using to cope, resist abuse and to promote the safety and wellbeing of their children. Exploring, naming and validating these is important in building their sense of competence and confidence, as well as reducing feelings of shame.
OFFER CHOICE AND SUPPORT
• What do you need?
• How can I help? What can I do to support you?
• Provide information, options and reassure that it is their decision and there is support regardless of what they chose to do.
• Often when survivors first talk about abuse, they are seeking reassurance and validation about the abuse that they are experiencing. Remember, the person causing harm will be employing a range of tactics to undermine the survivor’s recollection and understanding of their experiences as abuse e.g. gaslighting, minimising, blaming the survivor.
• Survivors may not want to or be ready to leave the relationship. They may be seeking support as they want options for the abuse to stop. Be guided by what they need from you.
Tools to support your practice:
Tools to be placed here
Work in Progress